The Quote Garden
 “I dig old books.”
 Est. 1998

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Quotable Insults & Comebacks,
and Quotes about Insults

Related Quotes      Compliments      Manners      Kindness      Humorous

NOTE:  Some of the quotes on this page were submitted to me by visitors, and not all have been verified for original source or wording. I'm working hard to confirm everything, but in the meantime please be aware of the possibility for errors.  —ღ Terri, March 2021

A slander is like a hornet; if you can't kill it dead the first time, better not strike at it. ~Henry Wheeler Shaw

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. ~Russell Lynes

I've had a wonderful evening — but this wasn't it. ~Groucho Marx

You have such a passion for doctoring my disposition, that you can't give sweetmeats without mixing a little physic with them... ~George E. Dabney, "The History of an Adventurer," 1840

Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence.  A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.  She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."  "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.  ~Author Unknown

[T]hou ass-begotten bastard, whom Noah never let into his ark!... What devil's crotchet got into thy capricious noddle, that thou shouldst... run bellowing like Lucifer? ~Richard Cumberland, Nicolas Pedrosa, 1799

Being unpleasant seems to be your only hobby. ~Livingston Welch, A Victim of Rest, 1924  [Eve to Adam —tg]

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."  ~P.G. Wodehouse

I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.  ~Steven Pearl

Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat—at least not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I suggest that perhaps a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales. ~Mark Twain

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.  ~Author Unknown

Her face was her chaperone.  ~Rupert Hughes

The Stones that Critics hurl with Harsh Intent
A Man may use to build his Monument.
~Arthur Guiterman, "Of Judgments," A Poet's Proverbs, 1924

I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town.  ~Abe Lemons

She looks as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.  ~Jonathan Swift, Polite Conversation

It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.  ~Rose Macaulay

Dustin Farnum:  "I've never been better!  In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."
Oliver Herford:  "How clever of you to think of it."

O, she is the antidote to desire.  ~William Congreve, Love for Love, 1695

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.  ~English professor, Ohio University

She has the answer to everything and the solution to nothing.  ~Oscar Levant

[H]e loves her as the Devil loves Holy Water. ~Jonathan Swift

M-day is here; it's the day of the moron. ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962)

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.  ~Edward Flaherty

I wouldn't be surprised if one day Carl's halo slipped and choked him.  ~Allan Wells, referring to Carl Lewis, 1989

You can imagine what a racket with Joe Perkins would be, — about as lively as a Lowell Institute Lecture, or sleighing on sand. ~Peppermint Perkins (Joe Perkins), 1886

The scratches in Yoko Ono records are moments of relief. ~S.A. Sachs

Some people should use a glue stick instead of ChapStick. ~Author unknown

I could eat alphabet soup and [$h¡t] better lyrics. ~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.  ~Charles Baudelaire

Ah my diminutive little chum, how would you like to go out and ride piggyback on a buzz saw. ~W. C. Fields, to Charlie McCarthy, wooden dummy partner of ventriloquist Edgar Bergen, 1938

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.  ~David Gerrold

Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. ~Mark Twain

I haven't any right to criticise books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticise Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone. ~Mark Twain

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Last saved 2021 Mar 22 Mon 12:25 PDT

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